Have you ever felt like you had a brick in your chest?
Like you literally couldn't breathe?
I think that feeling must be grief.
I've been feeling that a lot lately.
It doesn't help that I can't sleep, even with meds.
I've slept for less than 6 hours total the past two nights and it's 3am right now so that's not looking good either.
I'm exhausted and I feel very old.
Very tired.
Very weary.
Very sad.
I don't know how to continue on, I just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward somehow. I feel like I'm walking through cement. Drowning in quicksand. I look to the heavens hoping to see God, to feel some relief. It has not come. I feel like all the skin has been ripped off my body and the air hurts.
I cry out with the psalmist...
How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
Answers aren't coming, and neither is sleep.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Grief
Thursday, November 09, 2006
It finally happened!!
I knew this day was coming...and yet, I dread that it has come.
And in someways rejoice at it.
My daughter, who at a mere 11 years old is in sixth grade, came running into my classroom, out of breath, with three of the girls from her class in tow. She breathlessly exclaimed, "Mom! I HAVE to talk to you, outside, RIGHT NOW!" Mind you, I was in the middle of wrapping up a lesson with my fourth graders, but she seemed quite urgent so I thought it might be an emergency. I thought it might be a medical issue not uncommon to pre-adolescent girls.
I followed the four bubbling, giggling girls out into the hall.
That's when my daughter burst out "MOM! JACKSON likes me!!"
Stunned. I was stunned. Not that my baby, my first born, my INNOCENT little eleven year old might have a crush...no, I am stunned that she would drag me out of a classroom where I am TEACHING to tell me this. Stunned and kind of honored. Not every eleven year old would want so badly to inform their MOTHER with this information.
She thinks she's in love.
It takes me back.
There will be so many. So many heartbreaks. So much joy. Giggles, and blushing, and tingling all over. There is no other time like it in a young girl's life. She will never again feel that exileration, the spinning realization that someone she likes likes HER. It's a mystery, built into all of us by God, to propigate a species. She's like a whirling spinning bubble of hormones right now...ready to explode at any moment, into the teenager that she almost is.
Enjoy the journey.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
The Modern Proverbs 31 Woman!!
An interesting discussion went on between some friends of mine recently.
One of them was lost without her Scooba. She didn't own a mop. In the same week her dishwasher died and her laptop crashed. She was having a really bad week.
But the very thought of it made my mind wander to today's women and how it's even possible to be a Proverbs 31 woman in today's society. Today, it seems, we have more to do than ever. Many women work, either because they want to pursue their chosen career or because they must, to support themselves and help support a family in a day when two incomes is often necessary just for basic survival. On top of that our children are more involved than ever, with soccer games and piano recitals, dance classes and play rehearsals, boy scouts, girl scouts, track, clubs...the opportunities abound and are only limited by time and money.
So how is it possible to follow the virtues of Proverbs 31 in modern society?
Well, it seems that the Proverbs 31 woman did work outside her home. She had her own "earnings" and with those earnings she invested in real estate and planted a vineyard. She traded and wisely watched over those investments. She made garments and "sashes" and sold them to merchants.
She also had servants! Verse 15 tells us "she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls." Now, by no means does this mean that she sat around all day eating bon bons. She worked hard, was charitable, took care of her family and watched over her household. Scripture tells us she "gets up while it is still dark" and she "does not eat the bread of idleness."
Here's where I think we go wrong. We try to do it all by ourselves. She had help! She had babysitters, housecleaners, and someone to do her laundry!! I think, as women, we need to let go of the idea of being a SuperMom and make use of as much help as we have available to us.
I think a modern day Proverbs 31 woman might be sitting at her kitchen table while her children do their homework, checking her e*trade portfolio on her wireless laptop, with her washing machine running in the background. She looks over contentedly and sigh as her Roomba circled by vacuuming her carpets, while her Scooba in the other room took care of the tile. After dinner, she loads the dishes in the dishwasher and sits down at her sewing machine to hem up her son's school pants. Later, she balances her checkbook online at the touch of a button and drops an email or two to keep up with friends and family. When she receives an email telling her of a mutual friend whose husband has just lost his job and is in desperate need of some groceries, she quickly logs onto the local grocery store's website and orders a delivery for the next day. One final check of her online business and she is off to bed. It's late but it's been a productive day.
Now if they could only invent something that would pick up the clutter and recycle it into something useful we'd all be in good shape!!
Enjoy the Journey!
Monday, October 16, 2006
I've been tagged!!
My Friend Heather tagged me with this meme.
1. Favorite memory of your mother?
I remember being very little, sitting on my mother's lap while she taught my brother how to read. She didn't realize she was teaching me to read as well and she had to convince me that I could read even though I wasn't in Kindergarten yet.
2. Favorite memory of your father?
My father loved to sail and was always happiest out on the ocean. I inherited that from him. I love the Ocean! I love the memories we have of sailing...even when it was on our tiny little sabit (sp?).
3. What one skill would you like to wake up tomorrow and be able to do (though you'd never learned it)?
Playing piano!!
4. Which one of your dreams has come true?
Believe it or not, I am living my dream...it doesn't look exactly the way I thought it would but I've always wanted four children and I have the BEST and most BEAUTIFUL children in the world! I've always wanted to be a teacher and that I am and I enjoy it most days! I work at a GREAT school and I love the people I work with! The only part of my dream that hasn't happened yet is the fact that I always thought I would be married to a pastor, and that is my husband's dream and I would love to see him acheive that dream...not for me (I've learned the hard way that being a PW is not all it's cracked up to be) but for him!
Now I'm supposed to tag someone...I'm tagging Dave & Lori and Amy.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Monday, October 02, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Thursday Thirteen
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1. B is old enough and mature enough to babysit for short periods of time. 2. J has a love for his momma that is like no other. 3. A is always full of life. 4. S makes me laugh, especially when she asks to be "mascused" from the table. 5. B is really really smart but not in the least bit conceited about it. 6. J loves his baby sister and would do anything for her. 7. A loves to clean (and that has it's advantages if channeled correctly!) 8. S still loves to snuggle and be held. 9. B, at least for now, is totally comfortable in her own skin and really doesn't seem to care what the other kids think is "cool." 10.J loves to read so much that it sometimes gets him in trouble at school. 11.A has a heart of gold and loves to be a helper to her classmates. 12.S is learning to read and loves to "do more learning, mommy." 13.Most importantly, they all love the Lord. I sure am blessed!! Links to other Thursday Thirteens! |
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
The Truth
There is a famous line from the movie A Few Good Men where Jack Nicholson as Colonel Jessup states rather emphatically to Lt. Kaffee "You can't handle the truth!"
There's not many among us who can handle the truth. We want to hide behind half truths and realities that feel comfortable for us. We want to run away from things that frighten us. We want to hide from things that feel like they are too much work for us to handle.
Take my house, for instance...after a 9 week school term it is a disgusting mess! It's an overwhelming task. If I look at it all as one thing, I really want to run and hide!! But let's look at TRUTH here. I've managed to avoid it for two days and it hasn't gotten any cleaner...nobody is going to come in and clean it for me...and it's not going to get any easier to face as the mess becomes worse. I might be tempted to just leave my house...run away and buy a new house, a clean house...but the mortgage would still be there so that isn't really facing the TRUTH, is it? I could burn it down...but eventually I'd get caught (they'd realize it wasn't an accident once they figured out I had saved my computer and all my scrapbooks!). So if I face the TRUTH (it must be cleaned) figure out what I can manage (one room at a time) and take a step forward, eventually my whole house will be clean.
Isn't that how it is with life? Life can seem so overwhelming at times and we just want to run and hide from TRUTH. When things get hard and seem overwhelming we want to run and hide. But scripture tells us in John 8:31 & 32 "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
I had to go to the dentist this week. I say I "had" to because the pain has become unbearable and I can no longer control it with standard over the counter pain medicine. I've "needed" to go to the dentist for a very long time (say about 8 years). For reasons I cannot explain and don't totally understand going to the dentist completely terrifies me. It is all I can do to get in the door to take my KIDS to the dentist and sit in the waiting room for them. So my dear husband, who is willing to be my enabler in this scenario, called and made an appointment for me and made me promise to go. I got childcare. I went. I sat silently in the waiting room. I was able to give a sort of coherent explaination to the tech as to what was hurting me so they could take x-rays. The dentist saw me and gave me the standard lecture about not coming in until the problems were overwhelming. I nodded and prayed he would get it over with so I could leave...all I could think of was that I would get to leave the building soon...that is what kept the screams at bay, I kept telling myself it will be over soon, it will be over soon. But I had to go to a specialist to have (multiple) root canals. This meant walking into a whole different dentists office...hearing all those sounds, smelling all those smells, all over again. I paid my bill, took the referral and nearly ran to my car...got in and screamed...then I cried, hyperventilated, felt like I couldn't breathe and was dying and had a panic attack for nearly an hour. Somewhere in that process I had the wherewithall to call my husband (who didn't answer!) and my best friend (who came and rescued me.
The TRUTH in that scenario is that I KNEW that going to the dentist makes me nutty and I tried to go anyway without any help. The next day, armed with the TRUTH, some anti-anxiety meds and my best friend beside me I managed to make it through this consult with the specialist with only some minor trembling and sweating, but no panic attacks that took up half my day. Admitting the truth set me free (more or less).
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Thursday Thirteen
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1. Sat in a courtroom listening to testimony. 2. Sat in a courtroom listening to testimony. 3. Sat in a courtroom listening to testimony. 4. Sat in a courtroom listening to testimony. 5. Sat in a courtroom listening to testimony. 6. Sat in a courtroom listening to testimony. 7. Sat in a courtroom listening to testimony. 8. Sat in a courtroom listening to testimony. 9. Sat in a courtroom listening to testimony. 10.Sat in a courtroom listening to testimony. 11.Sat in a courtroom listening to testimony. 12.Sat in a courtroom listening to testimony. 13.Sat in a courtroom listening to testimony. Jury duty sucks!! Links to other Thursday Thirteens! |
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants
