Memorial Day

Yesterday was a day set aside to remember.

To remember those who have gone before us, fighting the good fight so that our country can remain free. Because freedom, in all it's glorious splendor, is never free.

I have only known one soldier that went to war. He made it through Desert Storm and is a pastor now. He has a wife and kids. I am grateful to the time he gave for his country.

But as I sat pondering Memorial Day my memories flooded in another direction. To thoughts of a little boy. One who has never experienced war. He never experienced pain. At least I hope he didn't. He never experienced life outside the womb.

He was my son. He is my son. I named him Isaac. I was still in my first trimester of pregnancy when I lost him. It is only in my heart that I even know for sure he was a boy. He would have been four years old this past February.

I was told I was "lucky"....I lost him early. I was told it was "good" that I had other children already. I was looked at like I was insane that I grieved the loss of a fourth child. But I didn't feel "lucky"...and nothing about it was "good." It's been four years and I still grieve. I can think about him without crying now...but I still think about him. I wonder what he would have looked like (although I suppose he would have looked just like all his sisters and brother, we only have one mold in our family!) I wonder what he would have been like. I think about him everytime my sweet precious Sarah Joy says or does something funny. And I remember that without his loss, we would never have had her.

Out of the ashes rose a beautiful little blond song bird. And for that I am very grateful.

Life is precious.

Even a very short life.

I long for the day I will hold Issac in my arms in Heaven.

For now, I will hold onto the promise, and I will remember.

A Reminder from the emergency broadcasting system...

I was reminded by a phone call from my mother that I haven't written anything in quite sometime...pretty much since I started working.

I can tell you why that is...my life right now pretty much consists of get up and dressed in the morning...rush around trying to get four kids ready and out the door by 7:15 AM...oh, and fed, most of the time...then I get on the freeway so that I can drive 35 min to go 15 miles because the traffic SUCKS...drop all the kids but one off at my best friend's house where they are staying while I work since they are done with school for the year (lucky dogs!)....then Abby and I rush off to school...I start my day trying to teach something to a group of 20 nine and ten year olds who think their sole duty in life is to tattle on each other and tell me how things are "supposed" to be done. Then, if I am lucky and not cornered by a well meaning (or not so well meaning) parent before 4PM I leave to pick up my kids drive home, make dinner, get them bathed and in bed by 8PM do a load or two of laundry and fall, exhausted, into bed....to begin it all again the next day. Somewhere, tucked into the cracks of that crazy schedule I go to the chiropractor's, go grocery shopping, throw my children's birthday parties (there have been two since I started this job), grade papers, plan lessons, and wonder if I actually will have a job next year since I STILL haven't been given a contract yet.

That doesn't sound very positive does it? There have been moments...beautiful moments, like the day that all of my students turned in ALL of their assignments. Like the times when my three year old and I had a conversation about the fact that I have a four day weekend off this weekend. It went something like this...

"Momma, you work today?"
"No, sweetie, I have today off, and tomorrow, and church day, AND the day after that..."
"Cause that's when I miss you...when you work"
"I know honey, but we have the next four days we can be together all the time"
"Oh my JOSH! I love my Josh...can we see Josh? "
"Honey, I'm sure we'll see the Nations' this weekend..."
"When you go to work?"
"No honey, I don't have to work this weekend"
"Oh, okay...."

And with that I'm off to do another load of laundry, grade a stack of papers and make sure I have clothes to wear to work tomorrow...the weekend is almost over...As Abby has informed me....only 9 more days to go.