The Light at the End of the Tunnel

There's nothing quite like seeing a light at the end of a dark tunnel to cheer you up.

I received a letter in the mail yesterday. It was a denial notice for the application for certification. Kind of funny that a denial notice would cheer me up, isn't it?

You see...I have spent over a year trying to get someone to look at my transcripts and tell me what classes I need to take to finish my certification process. I know that I need to finish my student teaching (which I am doing by teaching for two years in a charter school), I know I need to pass the AEPA, what I didn't know was how many more units I needed and could find nobody who could tell me. So I submitted my application, knowing they would turn me down, but in doing so would have to tell me WHY, and therefore how many units I was missing!

I thought I would have to take about 20. Turns out I only have to take 8!! That's only THREE MORE CLASSES!!!!

Do you want to hear something funny? I'm actually excited. I'm excited about my career (did I just say that, it still sounds so wierd!) and what my future holds. I have no idea what that is exactly, but I do know WHO holds my future and I will be content with that!

So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Within a year and a half I will have my credential. Then who knows?

God's timing it amazing. Before last week I probably wouldn't have really cared that I'm almost done with this process. Now I see it as an amazing step into my future.

Turning Mourning into Dancing

I had an amazing "God Moment" this weekend.

It actually all began on Thursday night at a group study I am attending called "Healing the Wounded Person."

I joined this group because I felt like my life, and more specifically, my marriage were falling apart. I felt like everything around me was tumbling and I was spinning with it, unable, or unwilling, to stop it.

This group has been much more about me and my issues (and Tim and his issues) than it has been about my marriage. And in the process I see our marriage getting stronger a little bit each day.

This past Thursday night was about loss.

I've dealt with a fair amount of loss in my life. Loss of my grandparents, loss of Tim's grandmothers (whom I was closer to than my own), loss of an unborn baby. I have grieved and said, "until we meet again in Heaven," to all of these loved ones. I've mustered through and carried on and found hope again.

Thursday night I discovered a loss in my heart of a different kind. One that is harder to grieve.

It is the loss of a dream.

When I was little God told me I would someday be a pastor's wife, he told me I would have four children, he told me I would homeschool Bethany. I am as certain today that it was the Lord who spoke these things into my heart as I was when I heard them as a child. I walked in that belief since the moment God spoke it. But then I started drawing the picture in my head. My husband is a pastor, he's been to seminary, worked in full time ministry for seven years, and now he is a high school teacher. That part wasn't in my picture. God did tell me that I would homeschool Bethany. But my picture included homeschooling her until graduation and all of my other children as well. My picture showed me as a stay at home mom, not a full time fourth grade teacher. And my picture NEVER included putting any of my children in full time daycare!

But, my picture was not God's picture. God's picture is still true. I am married to a pastor. I homeschooled Bethany through third grade which is exactly what God told me I was doing, I just assumed the years beyond. And I have four beautiful children. Several of whom have special needs I never bargained for.

I built up a dream for myself of what my life was supposed to be, what it was supposed to look like. And it hasn't worked out that way. Everything that I put my identity in has been stripped away, because our God is a jealous God and desires for my identity to be in Him and Him alone.

It hurts.

I had the blessing of being invited to go away to a cabin overnight with a very dear friend and a friend of hers that I barely know. I think she probably got more than she bargained for. It was planned weeks ahead of time but the timing couldn't have been more perfect. This gal has a beautiful gift of faith that astounds me. More than that she is an amazing worship leader and she pulled out her guitar and we began to sing, three ladies and a baby, alone in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, we began to worship God. And I began my journey of grief.

The life I thought was mine is not and right now I don't have a picture to replace it. I go on one day at a time, making tear soup, not sure when my time for making tear soup will end. My friends this weekend ate some of it with me, as they sang and I cried. Often, I partake in it alone. I am trying to figure out how to grieve a dream, so that someday, hopefully in the near future, I can build a new dream. The one that God has for me.

I don't know what that is right now.

I'm just holding on trying to keep my head above water until God reveals it to me. I'm seeking him out like an impatient child, and what He tells me is "be still, know that I am God, and that is enough."

That is enough.

The tears still flow.

That is enough.

My heart still aches.

That is enough.

I long to KNOW.

That is enough.

The pain is unbearable at times.

God is God, and THAT is enough.

Insomnia Sucks!

That's not a very positive title is it?

Let me just mention that I am going on day three of no sleep. I actually did sleep last night, thanks to night time cold medicine that I took as a desperate measure because I didn't sleep the two nights previous for more than two or three hours. Tonight's not looking good, and if you take night time cold medicine at 1am you sleep well into the next day and I have four children to watch.

My friends all have these blogs that lift up God and are positive representations of all that is and all that can be and I simply don't have words like that in me tonight. So I'm going back to playing Zuma. I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore anyways since I haven't written much since I started working. Which is another topic for another day.

Wow!

I never cease to be amazed at how much time can pass between when I write and when I wrote last.

Life has a way of zipping right by us, doesn't it?

Sunday was an amazing day in this zipping by life for me. My husband and I went out and bought a new dryer AND a new refrigerator.

No, nothing broke down.

Our dryer was 20 years old, and was being held together with glue and toothpicks...and had to be run at least twice to get anything dry...And our refrigerator was simply too small for my family of six.

Here was the amazing part. We paid cash for them. We had the money set aside in savings and just paid for them. This may not be big for you, but for us it was huge. I have been a stay at home mom for 10 years living on one salary in a two salary world (and not a very big one salary at that). I would never give up my time with my children so please don't read me wrong there...but God gave me this job, and I know it was His will that I be there (I still struggle daily as I leave little Sarah Joy with my friend) and I am enjoying the fruit of my labor. The ability to have a savings account and know that the next emergency that arises will not take us on our knees to a credit card or relatives is beyond amazing to me.

We've made mistakes with our finances in the past...I pray that we will not make them again...but on this side of the game I know I am much more grateful and much more in awe of God's provision than I have ever been before.

Every morning as I get the milk out of the mammoth refrigerator I have or when I get a glass of water with crushed ice and filtered water from the door, I am awed that I have a Heavenly Father that cares so much about the things that truly mean so little in the grand scheme of things but make our hearts happy.

I pray I will never again take for granted the many, many blessings I have been given.

Today I am thankful for:

My three year old who constantly wants to be on my lap.

That my son is smart enough and skilled enough to write the twelve sentences that took more than an hour to get out of him.

My oldest daughter who is always willing to give her baby sister a bath.

That I can walk despite having thrown my hip out an hour after I left the chiropractor's.

My wonderful husband who made dinner AND put the kids in bed (while I struggled with my son to get his homework done).

My TA who does SO MUCH for me so that I can leave school at a decent hour most days.

My best friend who came in today and cheerfully graded the one thing I hate most to grade.

The fact that I have a group of believers at my school that meet on Monday mornings to pray for the school and the students.

The great group of students that I have this year that make it fun to teach everyday.

My Father in Heaven who sent His son to die for me, so that I can live.


I pray I would live my life worthy of that calling.

For My Mom...

I didn't write this but I couldn't have written it better!

I love you, Momma!!

For Mom

For those who are lucky to still be blessed with your Mom, this isbeautiful. For those who aren't, this is even more beautiful.

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the long way?" she asked.And the guide said "Yes, and the way is hard, and you will be old beforeyou reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anythingcould be better than these years. So she played with her children, shefed them and bathed them, taught them how to tie their shoes and ride abike, and reminded them to feed the dog and do their homework and brushtheir teeth. The sun shone on them and the young Mother cried, "Nothingwill ever be lovelier than this.

"Then the nights came, and the storms and the path was sometimes dark,and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew themclose and covered them with her arms and the children said, "Mother, weare not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the childrenclimbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times shesaid to the children, a little patience and we are there." So thechildren climbed and as they climbed they learned to weather the storms.And with this, she gave them strength to face the world.

Year after year she showed them compassion, understanding, hope, butmost of all......unconditional love. And when they reached the top theysaid, "Mother, we would not have done it without you."The days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and themother grew old and she became little and bent. But her children weretall and strong, and walked with courage. And the mother, when she laydown at night, looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better daythan the last, for my children have learned so much and are now passingthese traits on to their children."

And when the way became rough for her, they lifted her, and gave hertheir strength, just as she had given them hers.One day they came to a hill, and beyond the hill they could see ashining road and golden gates flung wide. And Mother said: "I havereached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than thebeginning, for my children can walk with dignity and pride, with theirheads held high, and so can their children after them."And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even whenyou have gone through the gates."And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gatesclosed after her.

And they said: "We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A Mother is more than a memory. She is a living presence. YourMother is always with you. She's the whisper of the leaves as you walkdown the street, she's the smell of certain foods you remember, flowersyou pick perfume that she wore, she's the cool hand on your brow whenyou're not feeling well, she's your breath in the air on a cold winter's day...She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of arainbow, she is your birthday morning. Your Mother lives inside yourlaughter and she's crystallized in every tear drop. A mother shows everyemotion... happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger,helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow... and all the while hoping andpraying you will only know the good feelings in life. She's the placeyou came from, your first home, and she's the map you follow with everystep you take. She's your first love, your first friend, even your firstenemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space... not even death!

Rising from the dead....

I haven't posted much lately...

And no, it's not because I went back to work last week...it's because I caught the virus Abby (and then Josiah) had. I've been downright miserable...and pretty much asleep for the last 48 hours. School starts tomorrow, and I sort of have to be there as I am the teacher! So pray for me...that I will get well, and fast!! (I am feeling a little better already...)

And Heather, I'm not ignoring the fact that you tagged me...I'm just too tired to think through all those questions! I'll get to it soon!

That thing called customer service...

I had a remarkable experience today,
a truly remarkable experience...but I have to tell you what led up to it first.

Four days ago my six year old daughter came into my room in the middle of the night with a raging fever.

She slept pretty much non-stop for the next four days and her symptoms got much worse...prompting me to take her to urgent care, who then sent me on to the ER. It was over six hours later when Abby was finally discharged from the ER with three prescriptions and strict instructions that if the Zofran didn't help her keep her other medicines down, we would have to admit her to the hospital for IV fluids and antibiotics. She is a very sick little girl right now.

Now, Zofran is a very expensive medication and one that I was afraid the pharmacy might not have in stock. I have a pharmacy I like to go to because the people that work there are very helpful and have gone above and beyond for me in the past...but this pharmacy is a distance from my house, and an even greater distance from the hospital. I like this pharmacy so much that I have their number programmed into my cell phone, so I called to ask if they had these prescriptions in stock before I drove up there. The manager assured me they did and said he would see me when I got there. It was 5:30.

When I got to the pharmacy it was 6:10. The pharmacy was closed. I was floored...and I was devestated...if I didn't get this medication I would have to admit my daughter to the hospital, something neither of us wanted to do. I walked back to the pharmacy in a slight daze...I had JUST talked to the manager on the phone and he said NOTHING about them closing soon. I got back there and the manager was cleaning up and closing up the register so I asked him if there was a Fry's pharmacy (I can only go to certain pharmacies with my insurance) that was open past 6PM. He told me that the one next door to the hospital (that I had JUST LEFT) was.

I nearly cried.

In frustration I cried out to him, "I JUST called you to see if you had the prescriptions I needed, WHY didn't you tell me you were about to close before I drove all the way up here?!?"

His response is the remarkable part. He replied to me, "Oh! It's you! I'm so glad you came back here...I waited to see if you would come..." He opened the gate to the pharmacy area and let me in. He filled my prescriptions, including, once again, going out of his way to deal with my insurance company that required a prior authorization for the Zofran and didn't want to cover it. He made sure they understood that this medicine was for a sick little girl who just got out of the hospital. (They ended up covering it) He walked out to the OTC medicine area and made sure I found the right kind of cough medicine. He did all this with a smile and willingness that put me at ease in an already stressful situation. HE understands the meaning of customer service in a world that doesn't take the time for others much anymore. I, for one, am extremely grateful.

I will take the time to drive to that store again, despite the fact that I have one just a few minutes from my house.

Why?

Because in a crazy fast paced world of uncertainty a little kindness, and some great customer service, goes a long way!!

Could Josiah be any more thrilled? 

Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world!! 

Heading out for that perfect wave!